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words:when

There’s something going on inside that I’ve been trying to capture. It’s there. I feel it, but letting it out has been most difficult. If I could just say it, then I could realize clarity.

It starts with a dream I’ve had over and over. It’s amazing how much coding I do in my sleep. I see the content and read it, clear as day, and walk through the coding and always finish it. And the first thing I think when I wake up is that I’ve got to upload it and then – damn! – I realize I still haven’t figured out how to save it… And, so, I wait. You wait. We wonder. The question of motivation is not that hard to answer. I need to be heard. We all do.

When I was 6, I did a gig at the local movie house. Lipsynching the words to "Blue Suede Shoes" with air guitar and all brought the house down. I was hooked. I liked being heard.

My mother’s attempts to get me to learn to play an instrument was always tied to some financial dream she had in her head about it. If I could grow up to be rich, she would finally find that security she was so bent on achieving. I loved music, but to take my stand and do what I wanted, I would resist those attempts. Somehow, the thought of lessons and structure collided with my own prejudiced thoughts about what music meant to me.

After enough years of that, she decided I should be a doctor. What a surprise! The question of motivation is not that hard to answer. At 21, I decided to learn to play the guitar. I like to be heard – connected, if you will. Learning to play the guitar never ended up making me rich, but it did make me whole. What next? We wait. I wonder.

(circa 2000)

words/when.txt · Last modified: 2019/06/13 23:07 by joe.jenett